Thursday, August 26, 2010

Be careful what you wish for.

So here I am in AZ with Poppa Bean and the dogs. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what but I've been crying for the last two days. I'm lonely. Absolutely positively lonely. PB goes to school all day and when he gets home he's tired or has homework to do. It just means I spend all day alone without anyone to talk to and when he gets home, I feel even lonelier. I'm just sad. I miss being around people. It's just so quiet and frustrating to sit at home completely alone. Sierra Vista is not exciting. PB has to take the car for school every day so I'm stuck at home with no transportation. I couldn't even go anywhere if I wanted to. I have a brand new doctor all over again. My first appointment with her is on September 15 for my anatomy scan. I'm not even excited.

To be perfectly honest, we had an elective 3D ultrasound at exactly 16 weeks. We were told Girl. I'll probably be crucified for this and called evil but guess what? I'm not excited anymore. I never wanted daughters. Yes, I know it's a 50/50 chance anytime you get pregnant. I was just really hoping to avoid the whole damn daughter thing. I can't help the way I feel. Maybe the disappointment will go away when I meet the baby but for right now, I'm disappointed and sad. PB just annoys me when he's excited about it. His mom annoys me being excited about it and talking about how she's going to buy it lots of pink.

Looking for nursery bedding just upset the hell out of me today because everything is so god damn pink. Me and PB got into an argument because I picked extremely neutral bedding and he wanted something with pink in it because it's a girl. Okay, so the fuck what? The baby doesn't know the damn difference. I'm going to be the one walking into the fucking nursery 1,000 times a day and I don't want to look at pink shit! I just told him to fucking pick the bedding because obviously he has more of a vagina than I do.

Yup, I'm going in the evil mom hall of fame.

I miss my medication. Frankly, I miss not being pregnant. I miss my old life. I miss having a job. I miss having friends. I can't do this housewife/stay at home mom bullshit. It's for some people, it's sure as hell not fuckin for me. I'm pissed that now I'm just following someone around because of their career. We get to live in some shithole of a town for our next duty station where there are absolutely no job opportunities for me. Fucking awesome.


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