Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Stressed Out

I keep worrying about how my stress levels are going to affect this baby in the long run. My family has always been dysfunctional. My mom is Korean and the cultural differences and expectations are stressful enough but my mom NEEDS to be on antidepressants and refuses to take medication and to top it all off, she's going through menopause. It is a battle every day to not want to either punch her or myself in the face. My dad dotes on my little sister (she's 19) and has always been harder on me... which is fine. But living in their house again, it's just irritating to see the difference in treatment. His way of dealing with my mom is to completely shut everyone out which doesn't help my loneliness any. My sister leaves the house all the time to hang out with her douchelord of a boyfriend leaving me alone with my parents who are pissed off that she's still dating captain ass-hat. The mood is usually tense.

And I can't get through one day without my dad complaining about my dogs... my dogs that he knew were coming, that do nothing but nap and play quietly and who I usually keep with me in the room with the door closed because I don't want them bothering anyone. While my sister's dog tries to chew on furniture, digs holes all over the backyard, and refuses to leave my dogs alone.

Between the three of them, I am constantly feeling like crap. Not only am I missing Poppa Bean as this is the longest we have been apart and I can only talk to him two times a week for 30 minutes, I am constantly in the middle of my family's BS and I feel so stuck with no escape. After a huge fight this morning with my parents, I've been having slight cramps. I think everything is okay, I just read that stress is not good for the baby and now I'm worried that this past month is going to have lasting effects.

I get to pick Poppa Bean up from school next week and I can't wait. I just feel like I never want to come back here again. I had planned on staying with my parents after Poppa Bean deploys for a year when the baby is 2 months old, but I just don't think it's a good idea anymore. It sucks but I'd rather be alone in Germany with a new baby and my dogs, than here dealing with my family.


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