I'm here.

I've been bad about blogging lately. Monday was a pretty awful day and I had a pity party for myself while Bean napped. I cried my heart out missing Christopher, feeling completely alone, and needing a mental break.

Things are definitely starting to get better though. I usually do not hang out with other Army wives but it was like a godsend when an Army wife from the next village over called me on Tuesday. I'll call her K. She invited me over to hang out with her and her 3 year old daughter and it was SO needed. She invited me to go to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) with her the following morning which is run by the church. Honestly, I'm agnostic and organized religion really isn't my thing but it was an opportunity to get out of the house and be around other adults for a few hours.

It was actually pretty nice. I will probably continue to go every Wednesday to be around other people and they do things once a month for the kids. I grew up basically living in church every Sunday so I don't mind the religious discussion. They're bringing in a German lady in a couple of weeks to do songs and dance with the kids and I think it'll be good for Bean to be around it. Then, a dinosaur park the following week.

K and I are planning on either going to the zoo next week or up to Trier. We're planning on doing day trips once a week and other small outings and I'm excited. I can't have another day like Monday. It was just too depressing.

And now, on this beautiful Thursday, I am going grocery shopping with the little lady.

I'm Alive.

So, I made it. I survived Christopher leaving.

It was pretty much the hardest thing that I think either of us have ever done. My tear ducts definitely got some excercise the day he left. If it were just the two of us, it still would have sucked but having to watch him say goodbye to Bean knowing he wouldn't see her again until September was just awful. It broke my already shattered heart into tinier and tinier pieces.

As we were getting ready to make the drive to the drop off point, I handed him Bean's outfit so he could get her dressed. I left the room to brush my teeth and when I came back, I saw Christopher in his uniform crying. He had only gotten as far as her onesie and asked me to finish getting her dressed because he couldn't do it. It was too sad for him knowing that this was the last time he was going to get her dressed until he was able to visit for two weeks on his midtour. Broke. My. Heart.

We sat in the car for a little bit while he held her and he couldn't hold back tears. He asked her not to forget him. Again... heartbreaking.

I hate this. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss seeing Bean with her daddy. I miss his smell. I miss his warmth. I miss the goofy dances before leaving the room. I miss the excitement I'd feel when I knew he'd be coming home from work soon. I miss the way he looks at me. I miss every single thing about him.

I wish I could fast forward to next March. I don't want Bean to grow up, but I can't wait for Christopher to be back in our lives permanently.

When I'm feeling really sad, I look at Bean's full head of dark hair just like her daddy's and I feel a little better. Right now, she's my reason to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face.