Blahzay Blah.

I am seriously suffering from a case of blahzay blah. I'm hoping that it changes soon. I feel guilty feeling like this when I have an amazing little girl to spend every day with.

But seriously, I'm lacking human interaction. Normally I don't mind this at all but I think with Christopher being gone, it's getting to me. The only issue? I dislike the few people I "know" in the area. ha ha! I might eventually have to break down though just to get out of the house. Lame.

I never really questioned my parenting when Christopher was here. But lately I've been questioning everything I do. If she sleeps a lot, I start to wonder if I "pushed" her to sleep so I could have more BS time. Am I entertaining her enough?

I mean... what the fuck do you do with a 2 month old?! Seriously. What do you do? Do you hold them all the time? Do you entertain them every minute they're awake? How do you entertain them? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do? I feel lost now. How did I make it through 2 months without feeling like this?

I'm Alive.

So, I made it. I survived Christopher leaving.

It was pretty much the hardest thing that I think either of us have ever done. My tear ducts definitely got some excercise the day he left. If it were just the two of us, it still would have sucked but having to watch him say goodbye to Bean knowing he wouldn't see her again until September was just awful. It broke my already shattered heart into tinier and tinier pieces.

As we were getting ready to make the drive to the drop off point, I handed him Bean's outfit so he could get her dressed. I left the room to brush my teeth and when I came back, I saw Christopher in his uniform crying. He had only gotten as far as her onesie and asked me to finish getting her dressed because he couldn't do it. It was too sad for him knowing that this was the last time he was going to get her dressed until he was able to visit for two weeks on his midtour. Broke. My. Heart.

We sat in the car for a little bit while he held her and he couldn't hold back tears. He asked her not to forget him. Again... heartbreaking.

I hate this. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss seeing Bean with her daddy. I miss his smell. I miss his warmth. I miss the goofy dances before leaving the room. I miss the excitement I'd feel when I knew he'd be coming home from work soon. I miss the way he looks at me. I miss every single thing about him.

I wish I could fast forward to next March. I don't want Bean to grow up, but I can't wait for Christopher to be back in our lives permanently.

When I'm feeling really sad, I look at Bean's full head of dark hair just like her daddy's and I feel a little better. Right now, she's my reason to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face.

Sometimes, I think violence IS the answer.

I'm having a rough 24 hours. Mostly, it's PB pissing me off to no end. This post is probably going to make him sound like a total asshole but I have to keep reminding myself that he's not. He's just incredibly fucking stupid sometimes.

So, we're in Germany. I get it. He's excited, he loves beer, he hasn't been able to do much "fun" stuff since I've been pregnant. But guess what asshole? Neither have I! And I promise you, I'm having a more miserable time than you could on your worst very un-pregnant day. We've had issues in the past couple of months while he was at school with him asking me to go to BW3's with him so he could watch football and drink beer. He didn't want to be an asshole and leave me at home when I was home alone ALL the time anyway while he was gone 12 hours a day for school. I also didn't want to be an asshole so I would always go knowing that it meant my back was going to be killing me and I'd be ignored for a few hours and end up being his designated driver. I finally got pissed and put an end to it when he seriously suggested that we go out to the club. Seriously??? At 7 months pregnant, you think THIS is what I should be doing? And you think that this is what YOU should be doing? He tried to justify it with the fact that you couldn't smoke inside. I mean completely not the fucking point!

We got into an argument that night and he basically said he didn't see the big deal with him going out to bars and clubs occasionally because he enjoyed doing so and I hated going to bars and clubs so he didn't see how it was unfair that I couldn't go because I didn't like going anyway. Rehashing that just makes me want to punch him in the face.

Anyway, we go out to dinner last night with someone from his unit. We were at the restaurant until 11pm and he'd had 4 beers with dinner. I'm thinking okay, time to go home now! Right? Apparently not! He puts me on the spot in front of his friend, which he knows I HATE because I don't want to be the fucking asshole who says, "No." I mean I just met his friend and I don't want to come off as this total fucking asshole but I mean seriously... WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE! Anyway, he asks "Can we stop by a bar?" And all eyes are on me. If I could have punched him in the face, I would have. So I say, "We have to be up pretty early." And instead of taking the fucking hint, he goes "We won't stay out too much later." WTF, it's 11pm!

We go to bar number 1. REEKS of smoke. I told him I could NOT sit in there. Instead of being smart and realizing that EVERY bar we go to in Germany is going to reek of smoke, he just tries to find another. Fails. Then suggests the hotel bar up the street. I don't know why he thought it wasn't smoky because as soon as I walked in, I could smell it. It wasn't as bad as the other bars so I picked a seat all the way in the corner away from everyone. I didn't even take my jacket off because I was so fucking embarrassed to be sitting in a god damn bar at 11pm, almost 8 months pregnant. I was fuming. But seeing as this base has the highest STD and sexual assault rates of all the bases in Europe, I'm not exactly going to go storming off by myself trying to make it back to our hotel room. We actually got warned by another soldier right after dinner to always watch your drink because apparently roofies are like fucking skittles here. Fucking sweet. SO happy to be stationed here.

Anyway, I'm stuck there for almost an hour before I can't fucking take it anymore and I make him leave. We get back to the hotel and I'm trying really hard not to lose it but I can't help it. He seriously has the balls to ask me why I didn't give him a hint. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! LOOK AT MY BELLY! THERE IS A FUCKING HINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never mind the fact that we've had this discussion at least 3-4 times before! He tries to justify why he didn't think the bar was that smoky and I keep trying to tell him that that's NOT the fucking point.

I end up bawling my eyes out because I'm so sad that he's such a selfish asshole who in my opinion will never fucking grow out of wanting to dress nice, go out, and party it up. And here I am in Germany... married, and pregnant with his baby, and having left my well paying job and having no idea if I'll be able to find work out here. I just resented him so much in that moment. And yeah, some of it is probably hormonal, some of it is probably the move and the uncertainty of not knowing when we'll find a house, not having our car here yet, knowing he's going to deploy in a few months, and all that shit. But a lot of it is because he seriously was a selfish asshole last night.

So today I was kind of over it and trying not to think about it or argue about it. I'm on my computer and realize there are pop-ups. Porn pop-ups that only come up when you've visited a porn site. And I know this because I watch porn. So I turn around and ask him if he was watching porn and at first he looks surprised then he admits it. Saying it in a way that implies that he just "stumbled" upon porn. Sorry fucktard, you don't just stumble across porn. Normally, I don't give a shit about porn. But.... I was laying in bed crying and pissed off at you because you're an asshole and you just sit in the same room as me and surf porn sites? I mean what the FUCK is wrong with you?!?!

Never mind the fact that right now, I'm completely HATING my body and my stupid pimply face and now I know that while I'm angry at you, you're sitting there looking at pictures of women with perfect bodies.

So now, I'm just sitting here miserable and fighting the urge to cry every 5 minutes. I feel incredibly stuck. I don't know anyone here. I can't escape him even when I'm angry. And I'm stuck in a small hotel room with the only person I know here and also the one person I don't even want to look at right now. I don't deal well with feeling trapped.

And the stupidest part? I feel GUILTY writing this stupid post bashing him and his stupid idiotic moment because I know he's not typically an asshole. I just really want to punch him in his stupid face.

Being alone is not fun.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks but here I am, finally settled in one place for a while. I dropped Poppa Bean off at school and he'll be there for a month. He'll lose his phone privileges soon which I'm not happy about. It's amazing how attached you become to someone and how little joy there is when they're not around. I really don't know how I'll survive when he deploys if I can barely handle knowing I won't see him for a month. Being pregnant and emotional doesn't really help either.

I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow and I have an appointment on the 15th. It's at a brand new doctor and I'm hoping that they don't make me go through all of the initial appointment crap again. I already know that this appointment will probably be a waste of time and they'll just schedule me at a later day for the stuff I actually need to get done during weeks 10-12.

I took the Intelligender test for fun and it said boy but then I did the Chinese gender predictor and it said girl. I really hope it's a boy but ugh, it'll probably end up being a girl. I know, nothing to say ugh about but I just really don't want any daughters. I bought belly bands because my pants are uncomfortable. I am not really showing, I just look like I ate too many cheeseburgers... and I have. I'm breaking out in pimples all over my face and now my back. It's awesome. So much for feeling beautiful while pregnant. I just feel fat and pimply.

I haven't been getting AS tired as I was the last couple of weeks. My boobs are not as big as I read other people's being. They've just gotten fuller, not bigger. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not pregnant. I guess I'll feel better when I go to my appointment next week. I am going to ask them if they will give me an ultrasound.

You know, with Poppa Bean being gone... I had the gutwrenching feeling today that it was just sad that it was no longer going to be just me and him anymore. I know that sounds so unbelievably selfish but I love us. I love our time together. I love that we can just fully enjoy each other at all times. It's kind of sad to know that that's going to be gone.

That and I just got an earful from my aunt about how she couldn't be both a mother and a wife because the children just consumed so much of her and the husband doesn't really know how to deal with that.

Obviously... I'm not having a good pregnant day.