I be tired.

Holy crap. I feel like a loser. A really out of shape loser. Is it possible to feel tired and winded just from standing up for too long? Because apparently, it's possible for me. I walk a lot slower now. Any exertion of energy just seems like too much to even consider. I refused to get out of bed until 10AM this morning. I honestly think I could have just laid there all day. Is it January yet?

It's snowing a bunch today and it looks really pretty outside. Reminds me of Narnia. Ugh, I just got sad because I don't have a real Aslan to cuddle with. How fucking awesome would that be? Anyway, it's really pretty and I should take a picture so I can share the prettiness but... I'm that lazy. We're supposed to go to a Christmas Market in Trier this weekend so I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures then to make up for it.

I'm not in the Christmas spirit. Mostly because we'll more than likely be spending Christmas in our hotel room. I'm thinking of drawing a Christmas tree and taping it to the wall. Festive, no? I don't want to travel too far that late into my pregnancy because with my luck, I'd be a few hours out of town and the baby would decide to make her appearance. I'm really crossing my fingers that that doesn't happen because none of our baby furniture, and this includes the carseat, has even made it off the boat yet. It's just floating out there on the ocean somewhere. So is our car. I wish I could make them magically appear. I bet Aslan could make it happen.

I finally ordered my diaper bag last night. I hope it gets here before the baby. I've started to procrastinate a lot. I just started thinking about my hospital bag. Who knows when I'll actually make an effort to get it ready.

Skip Hop Versa Diaper Bag

Pretty snazzy right? I'd like to think that I could still want to dress like that mom in the picture after the baby. We'll see what really happens. At least my diaper bag will be somewhat stylish. I'm sure it'll look great with what I'll actually look like:

This is the diaper bag that Christopher got... like two months ago.

Diaper Dude Black Diaper Bag with Dragon

Funny story. There's this chick that was totally in love with him - supposedly my friend. Anyway, she spent $60 bucks on this diaper bag for him from our registry and $10 bucks on the baby. Hey, I'm not gonna complain about anything anyone buys because that's less shit I have to buy but I just found it hilarious that she spent so much on the one thing on the registry that was for him. We honestly just threw it up there not thinking that anyone would buy it. So yes, daddy has a diaper bag already and mommy just had to buy one. lol. I wish I had a stalker dammit.

Gobble Gobble!

I'm an idiot.

I feel like I'm a Thanksgiving turkey right now. Stuffed and on the brink of exploding. Why do I feel this way? Well, never mind the fact that I have a human being taking over my body, I also decided to keep her company with a ridiculous amount of food. Why do I always do this to myself? I am so miserable right now I could just throw a tantrum and kick people in the shins. I just wish I had people to kick in the shins. I don't think PB would appreciate that and I would just feel like an asshole if I kicked the dogs. Vega already has a bum leg and Philly... well he just looks pathetic to begin with.

I'm seriously tired of being pregnant. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and tell PB that this is our one and only child because I refuse to go through this again. I know I'll be a total idiot and do this again though. Do you think one day we'll evolve and reproduce in a way that doesn't totally suck ass? Dude, I want to live in THAT future. The top of my belly button is starting to poke out. Cute yeah? No.

I cried last night. I was looking at a clothing website that had really cute dresses. Honestly, I have nowhere to go that I'd need a fucking dress but that's not the point. I could wear them if I didn't look like I had a basketball stuck to me. So then I start thinking about how I'm going to look after I have this baby and I get scared. I mean seriously... where did all this extra skin come from? I don't have stretch marks yet but I am going to get bigger than this. It's just hard for me to understand how I even had room/skin to grow as much as I did but after the baby.... where the fuck does it all go??? What if I just have this deflated tire of extra skin around my mid-section?

So I'm laying in bed feeling pretty sorry for myself and PB tries to get frisky. I just feel so disgusted with how I look that I tell him no and start crying. Pathetic right? So then he stops and tells me that I'm still beautiful and I'm not fat. I start blubbering about my horrible pregnancy acne and my stupid hair and my fat arms and legs and he just tells me I'm silly and that everything will be fine after the baby. I waited until he fell asleep and then I woke him up to have sex. LOL! I find myself doing this a lot now. I don't know what my deal is! He'll start getting frisky and I'll tell him no. He starts falling asleep, and I get irritated that he's falling asleep and then I initiate. I mean what the hell is that about?

So yeah, one of the many reasons I think my sanity said goodbye a long time ago.

I feel like a marshmallow

Why do I feel like I have pillows where my arms used to be? Seriously, whose arms are these?!

I'm having a poor me day. My poor body... Before you get all preachy on me and tell me how horrible I am for being vain and caring about my body while I'm creating the miracle of life, let me just say... bite me. I miss my nice flat tummy and I'm scared that I will never get it back. So far, I haven't gotten any stretch marks. If I could knock on wood 24/7 to prevent them, I would. I'm scared I'll have a butt where my stomach used to be. I showed postpartum pics to PB and he made it a point to look very unaffected by them. I know what he was thinking though and I want to cry. I am now more determined than ever to kill myself in the gym after this baby makes her grand entrance.

But being the idiot that I am, instead of eating a healthy snack, I just ate a gourmet cupcake. I fucking suck. Seriously, I want to punch myself in the face.

It's a celebration bitches!

I've rejoined civilization! We are out of Sierra Vista, AZ and now we're hanging out at my parents in Austin, TX. Oh the pretty stores! The nice normal people! And having a variety of restaurants to choose from? GLORIOUS! After our three months in Sierra Vista, I've realized that I can NEVER live in a small town. I would die. I'm pretty sure I was about 3 days away from going absolutely bat shit crazy. Well really, I don't have a choice in this matter for the next 7 or so years. The Army tells us where to live so if there's someone's ass I can kiss, I wish they'd point me in the right direction. We fly out to Germany on Monday. Sadly, we're going to a small town in Germany but I'm trying to make myself feel better because hey, it's Germany!

My back is killing me. I feel like an old person. I seriously am beginning to believe that my pimples are like little settlers fighting for valuable real estate on my face. It's getting really hard to move around and I think I'm only a couple of weeks from needing a fucking forklift to help me get off the couch.

It's me and PB's one year wedding anniversary. We had a super romantic day of driving down to Fort Hood with my parents, eating Jack in the Box breakfast sandwiches (and yes, I also had a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and curly fries in addition to my breakfast combo... bite me), and following my mom around the PX and Commissary and trying to hurry her along. When we got home, I got a surprise delivery of beautiful red roses and then PB and I went to go eat Pho for dinner. YUM. It's what we ate on our first date. I know, how cute! Now our friend Parker is driving up from San Antonio to stay the night at my parent's house for the next two nights before we go to Germany. PB is an ass. He wants to golf tomorrow morning so now his friend is sleeping over tonight. Annnnnnnd, PB has been drinking with my dad. If he gets Whiskey Dick on our anniversary, I'm going to be pissed.

I'm getting laid tonight. Seriously though, as if having sex in my parents house wasn't awkward enough (did I mention my 19 year old sister also lives at home), now we're adding a friend to the household. It's not like I can be like "Hey Assholes! I need to get me some so go to bed!"

Oh, and I got my Kindle in the mail yesterday. I get really bored and buy things to make myself feel amused for a while. I'm already bored with it =\ Mostly because I still have real books to read and I just really love buying and collecting books. I like the way they feel in my hands and the way they smell and I like seeing them on the bookshelf. I guess the Kindle makes sense though in cutting down the poundage for when we have to pack up and move. So far, the only thing I've downloaded is The Picture of Dorian Gray to read again. Seriously, it was free! What's not to love about that?

I'm late on reading this but I just started Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol.

Pho and Salted Pepper Chicken. YUM!

Ninja Baby

So, I've decided that Bean is a ninja. I mean, she has to be. I feel her practicing her ninja moves all day long. Can I just say that the best part of this whole pregnancy thing is feeling and seeing your baby move around? I honestly can't think of anything better than that. Her movements are getting so strong now! I can feel and see her dragging her feet/knees/hands (I can't tell the difference) all over the place. My tummy jerks around when she's having her ninja sessions and most of the time when I'm at home (which is pretty much always), I sit around with my belly exposed. I don't want to miss seeing anything!

So, I kind of had a freak out moment last week. Tears, panic, the whole 9. I've been losing a lot of hair over the past couple of months and I mentioned it to my OB here (the one I'm not fond of) and she brushed it off as hormones. So I mention it on babycenter and someone suggests getting my thyroid levels checked. Of course, me being the hypochondriac that I am, immediately google thyroid issues during pregnancy and see all sorts of unsettling stuff about how hypothyroidism can affect the baby's brain. I'd like to take this moment to tell you that Poppa Bean has previously banned me from going to WebMD so I probably should not have googled this at all. SO, instant freak out. Call my OB... and guess what?! She's going out of town for 3 weeks and the office is closing in an hour. REALLY?! Was this something they were going to make me aware of??? Also, they were supposed to give me my medical records before we leave this Friday. How did they plan on doing that when their offices were closing for three weeks? I was furious! I ended up getting my medical records and got in to see a regular physician on Monday. She said I was probably being paranoid and that it was just hormones but while I was there, I could just do a bunch of blood work. I like her. lol. I can call in a week and get results. After that freak out, I talked to a few other moms and they said their hair fell out a lot during pregnancy too. SO, I guess the long luxurious hair during pregnancy is just not meant to be for me.

So what did I do? Chopped all my hair off. Why am I so impulsive? I'll never learn. I mean it makes things a lot more interesting but sometimes I just have to shake my head. My whole reasoning was, if it's all gonna fall out anyway, I might as well meet it halfway! I forgot that I don't exactly look awesome with shorter hair. She probably cut off about 6 or 7 inches. It's about an inch or two below my shoulders now. Let's just hope it grows out fast.

12 Weeks Today

Bean is 12 weeks today. We had an appointment on Thursday to do some testing that the hospital in Korea didn't do. I got to hear the heartbeat and Bean was ticking away at 163 bpm. It was nice to hear especially since I worry so much. I wish that Poppa Bean could have been there to hear it. I have an ultrasound in two weeks and they're going to prick my finger and test the blood to check for Downs Syndrome risks. I know that there are a lot of false positives but really, I just wanted to get the ultrasound and see the baby. Poppa Bean won't be there for that either and it sucks. If I can find out the gender at 14 weeks, I think I'll still wait. Poppa Bean will be back by my 16 week appointment and I think I am going to pay an ultrasound clinic that does 3D ultrasounds at 16 weeks to do a gender determination while Poppa Bean is there. It's going to be really hard not to want to ask what the sex is at my ultrasound though. It might still be too early to tell but it would be fun if they could see it.

I'm still not showing yet but I feel like my fat is being poked out more on my tummy. I mean I know I'm still skinny but I have a tiny bit of pudge on my tummy and it just looks bigger lately. Probably because I'm so bloated. The nausea is gone. I haven't thrown up in about a week and two days. The bloating is not as bad as it used to be anymore. I have started to get dizzy whenever I stand up though. The acne is starting to go away too.

I just really miss Poppa Bean. It's been really tough being without him this week. Time goes by so slowly and I feel like my heart is torn in two. I know it's just a month but it's just a glimpse into what his first deployment will be like. It just makes me want to break down and cry. I really wish we had met before he decided to go indefinite in the military. I know it's selfish but I just don't want to deal with another 12 years of the Army telling him to leave his family for a year. It's just not fair... cry me a river right? It's just a bad day...

Being alone is not fun.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks but here I am, finally settled in one place for a while. I dropped Poppa Bean off at school and he'll be there for a month. He'll lose his phone privileges soon which I'm not happy about. It's amazing how attached you become to someone and how little joy there is when they're not around. I really don't know how I'll survive when he deploys if I can barely handle knowing I won't see him for a month. Being pregnant and emotional doesn't really help either.

I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow and I have an appointment on the 15th. It's at a brand new doctor and I'm hoping that they don't make me go through all of the initial appointment crap again. I already know that this appointment will probably be a waste of time and they'll just schedule me at a later day for the stuff I actually need to get done during weeks 10-12.

I took the Intelligender test for fun and it said boy but then I did the Chinese gender predictor and it said girl. I really hope it's a boy but ugh, it'll probably end up being a girl. I know, nothing to say ugh about but I just really don't want any daughters. I bought belly bands because my pants are uncomfortable. I am not really showing, I just look like I ate too many cheeseburgers... and I have. I'm breaking out in pimples all over my face and now my back. It's awesome. So much for feeling beautiful while pregnant. I just feel fat and pimply.

I haven't been getting AS tired as I was the last couple of weeks. My boobs are not as big as I read other people's being. They've just gotten fuller, not bigger. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not pregnant. I guess I'll feel better when I go to my appointment next week. I am going to ask them if they will give me an ultrasound.

You know, with Poppa Bean being gone... I had the gutwrenching feeling today that it was just sad that it was no longer going to be just me and him anymore. I know that sounds so unbelievably selfish but I love us. I love our time together. I love that we can just fully enjoy each other at all times. It's kind of sad to know that that's going to be gone.

That and I just got an earful from my aunt about how she couldn't be both a mother and a wife because the children just consumed so much of her and the husband doesn't really know how to deal with that.

Obviously... I'm not having a good pregnant day.

Happy Father's Day!

We are officially back in the states and have been hanging out at my parents'. Today is the first day that I actually feel "normal." Morning sickness decided to hit with a vengeance on Wednesday. I'm telling you, it's always Wednesday! I was sick all day. The only meal I was able to keep down was the small breakfast I had in the morning. I threw up everything else and felt miserable all day long. Thursday was just a tiny bit better but not much. Friday a slight progression and yesterday, I got nauseous but didn't vomit. Today, fantisco! For now anyway. The only intense craving I had this week was for chocolate milk. When I finally got it, it was GLORIOUS. I have a gallon in the fridge right now.

I'm 8 weeks 1 day now. I love adding each day to my little ticker. The more time passes, the more I know this little Bean is going to stick around. Still not showing, the bloating is still there but honestly, it's not as bad as it was during weeks 4-7. My boobs started to get sore throughout the day and not just at night a few days ago. I think they've gotten bigger but it's not extremely noticeable. I keep wondering when I'm going to get monster jugs. I want those fun bags to show up! hahaha.

We got my dad a grill for Father's Day. It's a pretty nice grill and a perfect size for his backyard. Poppa Bean is going to help assemble the thing in a little bit so we can make steaks for dinner tonight. The dogs and Bean got Poppa Bean cards and two DVD's for Father's Day. Baby Mama and Knocked Up. lol

I'm travelling again on Tuesday to fly to visit Poppa Bean's family. We're having a small ceremony for his family since we never had a ceremony when we just did a paperwork marriage through the Embassy. It should definitely be interesting. I'm not really a big fan of weddings and all the frilly annoying things that come with them. lol. It's more for the parents though so I'll suck it up! Literally. I feel like I can't breathe in my dress. lol.

I hope all the wonderful dad's out there have a great Father's Day! I know Poppa Bean is enjoying his and we're both excited for what Father's Day is going to be like next year! :)

Slow poke

Here we are, 5 weeks and 2 days into this fun rollercoaster ride. Symptoms so far? A lot of peeing, random moments of vomit, cramping here, cramping there, headaches, bloating, and did I mention bloating? I feel like a hippo. Sunday, I ate everything in sight. I just could not get enough food. I think that was me just being a total fat ass though. I've been better since then... I think. We have gone ahead and told practically everyone about Bean. I know, most people wait until after the first trimester because of a chance of miscarriage but you know, I'm going to be really optimistic and not even think about the possibility. I just marking off every day on the calendar as one day closer to meeting Bean. It's still kind of surreal. We have our first appointment on the 21st of June. I know that it's mostly going to be a meet and greet with some extremely exhilarating paperwork but I'm crossing my fingers that I can trick them into giving me an ultrasound. I want to see Bean so badly. Just to prove to myself that he's in there.

We've decided that Bean is a boy. Yes, decided. It will be. lol. Obviously, we'll be happy either way as long as the baby is healthy but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a preference. So far, we have picked Greyson Thomas for his name. I'm sure I'll be extremely indecisive and change it about a million times but so far, that's what we're sticking with.

My eczema has been really acting up the last couple of days. I'm not sure if that has to do with Bean or with the fact that it's really starting to get warmer these days and the weather is affecting my skin. My nipples have stayed consistently sore. My boobs? Not any bigger and haven't gotten sore yet. I'd really like some big ta-ta's out of this deal. lol. My fibroid cysts in my left breast are really bad now. Might be all the extra hormones making it worse. I think I'm going to keep the appointment I had at the OB/GYN here before we move just to see if she can check on it and make sure it's okay.

It's going to be a hectic couple of days with the movers coming, shuttling the dogs to the kennel, and moving into the hotel that will be our home until we fly out of here. I hope Bean cooperates with me and helps me get this move going smoothly. Now after a disastrous attempt at packing, we are off to watch the tube and go to sleep.

Bean This, Bean That

Since we found out on Sunday, most of our conversations have been about Bean and I try to use Bean as an excuse for a lot of things. Eating certain foods, not wanting to do certain things, blah blah blah. The husband doesn’t buy it at all. Meanie. We got the blood test confirmation on Monday, told the grandparents, and now, here we are. I’m 4 weeks and 3 days into this thing. Morning sickness? I think they really misnamed the whole ordeal. They should have just called it The Sickness. I’ve had the pleasure of throwing up, dry heaving, stopping mid-walk and scrunching my face, and breathing through my mouth all day. I don’t foresee this letting up anytime soon. I don’t want it to though! If I can get through this trimester with Bean intact, I’ll feel a helluva lot better.

I’m going to try to go to the gym today. I’ve been slacking the last few days. I’m a little nervous how this thing will go now that I know Bean is in the house. Throw up mid-stride on the eliptical? That should be fun. I know it’s insane, but I have this fear that if I run too hard, I’m going to knock Bean out of place and he’s going to say screw this and bail. Death by treadmill. Yikes. I know, totally morbid and completely awful to say.

I see more of the toilet than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like all I do all day is pee or throw up. I empty my bladder and thirty minutes later, I gotta pee again. Then I smell the bathroom and I have to throw up. I should just name the toilet since it is officially now my new best friend. Loretta. Yup, Loretta.

My New Best Friend

My new best friend might just be the toilet. Here I was, telling the hubby this morning that I couldn't wait to start throwing up because it would make me feel pregnant. Of course, Bean wouldn't have it any other way than to have morning sickness happen at 11:30PM. At least I know Bean's taking after us and being stubborn.

I could not stop noticing how much the room smelled like dog. Then the hubby's armpits (yes, I know you're going to think I'm insane for this), which I usually think smell awesome, made me nauseous. Finally I just couldn't take the two anymore and hurled.

I'm a little anxious about what tomorrow is going to bring. I'm hoping this was just a one time thing... lol