I'm Alive.

So, I made it. I survived Christopher leaving.

It was pretty much the hardest thing that I think either of us have ever done. My tear ducts definitely got some excercise the day he left. If it were just the two of us, it still would have sucked but having to watch him say goodbye to Bean knowing he wouldn't see her again until September was just awful. It broke my already shattered heart into tinier and tinier pieces.

As we were getting ready to make the drive to the drop off point, I handed him Bean's outfit so he could get her dressed. I left the room to brush my teeth and when I came back, I saw Christopher in his uniform crying. He had only gotten as far as her onesie and asked me to finish getting her dressed because he couldn't do it. It was too sad for him knowing that this was the last time he was going to get her dressed until he was able to visit for two weeks on his midtour. Broke. My. Heart.

We sat in the car for a little bit while he held her and he couldn't hold back tears. He asked her not to forget him. Again... heartbreaking.

I hate this. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss seeing Bean with her daddy. I miss his smell. I miss his warmth. I miss the goofy dances before leaving the room. I miss the excitement I'd feel when I knew he'd be coming home from work soon. I miss the way he looks at me. I miss every single thing about him.

I wish I could fast forward to next March. I don't want Bean to grow up, but I can't wait for Christopher to be back in our lives permanently.

When I'm feeling really sad, I look at Bean's full head of dark hair just like her daddy's and I feel a little better. Right now, she's my reason to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face.

Love.

Big shits come from little packages.

Christopher is very proud of his little girl. She has his hair, the same exact cow lick, and his skin tone. She even farts and poops just as much as he does. Proud papa I tell ya.

He is so great with her. I catch him staring at her all the time. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "She's so beautiful." I've really hit the jackpot with this guy. This strong 6'5" man has been brought to tears several times just looking at his daughter. I thought I loved him before, but now, I love him on an entirely different level.

It really is true what they say about not knowing what love is until you have a child. It blows me away. I just look at her and can't believe that this little bundle of awesomeness is actually my baby. WTF! I don't know what the hell I did to deserve her, but I'm glad someone thought enough of me to let me be her mom. Seriously, whoever you are, you win in my book.

I took a few pictures of her when she turned 1 week old. Here's the lovely Isabella.

I'll post the others later. For now, I have some cuddling to do with my Christopher. There hasn't been too much of that happening lately and that has got to change!

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Introducing... THE BEAN!

Isabella Rome was born on January 24, 2011 at 13:43. She weighed 9 lbs 3.8 oz and measured 21.5" long. She has a full head of black hair! We were all surprised by her weight and her full head of hair! I can't even begin to describe how much love we have for this little girl. It truly is the greatest high anyone can ever feel. The c-section was awesome, the recovery has been great, and we got to go home after 48 hours.

We've been adjusting to our new life as parents. Christopher has been a tremendous help around the house and is such an amazing dad. He changed his first ever diaper at the hospital and baby girl decided to give him something to remember. She shot out shit and peed all over the place after he took her diaper off. I caught it on tape. AMAZING! hahaha.

She started off being an amazing breastfeeder but Friday night we had issues that went on through Sunday night. I was in tears and cried pretty much all day on Sunday. She wouldn't latch on and it was really difficult to feed her. I was able to get nipple shields Sunday night and since then, it has gone back to her being an amazing feeder. I don't even want to ever give her a bottle again because of how scared I was that she wasn't latching on properly. I love to breastfeed. I honestly thought it was weird prior to having her but now, I can't imagine doing anything else. There's just an amazing feeling I get looking down and watching her breastfeed.

I was recovering extremely well from my c-section until yesterday. I thought I was about 100% recovered until yesterday. I think I had a set back but I ended up in the ER because the pain was excruciating. All that happened was a scheduled follow-up with OB/GYN tomorrow. I feel better today but that's because they're making me take two percocets every 4 hours. I hate the feeling they give me though. I don't feel clear headed and I feel woozy and a little nauseous. It's either that or the pain though. Bleh. Other than that, I'm really happy with the c-section.

And now, here are pictures of my little baby girl. I can't believe she's already a week old =(

Goofing off.

First picture with Daddy.

Ms. Attituuuuuude.

Happier than I've ever been!

Cuddle Time with Daddy.

Ms. Chubby Cheeks getting ready to go home!

I love this little girl.

Seriously, being a mom is the best thing EVER.

I am no longer homeless.

We are officially moved in. It's been a stressful week but honestly, I am extremely happy! We still have a LONG way to go on getting the house ready but we're slowly (very slowly) getting there.

My life is pretty much Murphy's Law in action. Sometimes it's really annoying, and a lot of times, it's actually pretty funny. In the beginning of our relationship Christopher used to tell me to be optimistic and that I was just paranoid but after two years together, he has admitted that it's amazing how off track things get for me. However, it kind of levels out because everything always work out for him. You seriously have no idea the luck that this man has. Life rolls out a red carpet for him everywhere he goes. He's running late? Oh, what do you know... so is the bus that he's supposed to catch. Free upgrade? Sure, why not? I'm not going to complain though because I get to reap the benefits simply by association.

Our bedroom set was delivered and the bed rails and mirror are magically not in stock right now so we have to wait to actually put the bed together. Oh and the headboard they delivered was damaged so they have to replace that as well. Fun! So, we are sleeping on a boxspring and mattress on the floor.

The Army screwed up royally so we have absolutely no living room furniture until the first or second week of February. There are boxes piled sky high that the movers are supposed to come back to pick up... whenever that is.

The good news is that we have been working feverishly on the baby's nursery so that it's ready even if the rest of the house is a complete disaster. Yay for being responsible parents!

I'm getting a brand new doctor on Wednesday. He'll be the one performing my c-section now. I found this out today when I got to the hospital. They informed me that they cancelled my appointment and were moving it to Wednesday to do a meet and greet. Awesome. Seriously, awesome.

Christopher leaves to go on TDY to Georgia for 5 days tomorrow morning. The same morning that IKEA is delivering our day bed, wardrobe, and kitchen island... all of which need to be assembled. So... that means they'll just sit there until next week! There's no way in hell that I'd even be able to attempt to put that shit together without losing my mind or killing myself. This also means that the boxes of coats and shoes will sit there until Christopher gets back as well.

Here's to hoping that the baby doesn't make an appearance while daddy is on another continent!

I can't believe I only have two more weeks of a baby-free life!

A Scanner Darkly

I'm about to sound like a total crackhead.

There are these damn bugs in the bathroom. They only come out in the middle of the night when I wake up to stumble to the bathroom and pee. They are NEVER there during the day or at any time when Christopher is awake. WTF. It's like they wait for Christopher to fall asleep and I'm sitting there vulnerable on the toilet with my pants around my ankles to creep out.

They're small and I usually squish them but I still hate them. I seriously hate bugs. They freak me out, they're gross, and I'd much rather they come out when Christopher was awake. And these bugs look fucking weird! They're small but they're kinda snake-like when they move. Ugh, I'm getting chills just thinking about the nasty little fucks.

I rambled on and on about these bugs to Christopher for days and because he never saw them, he thought I was out of my mind. I seriously started to question my sanity. I felt like I was a character in A Scanner Darkly and these fucking bugs were imaginary and I was unknowingly smoking some crazy shit.

Until... Christopher finally saw one.

You can't imagine how happy that made me. I am not a crackhead. I am not crazy. The fact that I needed him to see this stupid bug to validate that is sad.

This still does nothing for me and my inability to get rid of these god damn bugs. I feel like I'm going into battle every time I walk into the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Fucking assholes.

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The Best Christmas Present...

Is the one I already have.

1. He washes grapes for me when I want them for a snack.
2. He cuts my apples for me.
3. He always opens the car door for me.
4. He carries heavy things.
5. He cuts open the boxes we get in the mail while we're still in the post office because he knows I'm impatient and can't wait to see what we got.
6. He always smiles when he sees me.
7. He still loves me despite the fact that I am absolutely bat shit crazy most of the time.
8. I pout, he melts.
9. He is never afraid to kiss me, hug me, baby talk to me, or let me baby him in front of his friends or anywhere in public.
10. Even when he gets drunk, I am the best thing he's ever laid his eyes on and he can't keep his eyes or hands off of me.
11. He is so unbelievably patient with me.
12. He walks the dogs 3 times a day and doesn't complain.
13. He loves to cuddle.
14. He is weird. So, so, so, weird.
15. He loves everything I cook.
16. He is infinitely more outgoing and friendly than I am and it's good for me.
17. He stops me from sinking into depression time and time again.
18. Every day with him is amazing. Even if I'm lost in a hormonal rage for 10 hours of it. I'd rather have him by my side than be alone.
19. He's gorgeous.
20. He makes me want to be a better person for him.

I could literally go on and on about the many reasons I love him but I'll spare you.

I can bitch and complain every day that this or that sucks but when I remember that I get to spend the rest of my life with this man, I am the happiest person in the entire world.

My heart just grew a little bit more because he just yelled, "Go away Vega! You don't get any of Mommy's grapes!"

I hope everyone gets to spend the holidays with someone they love this much.

Food Obsession

Is it sad that I'm sitting here sniffing my fingers because they smell like the honey pretzel snacks that I just inhaled? Probably.

My life revolves completely around food now. I am constantly hungry. Seriously. CONSTANTLY. I don't know how people survive on these fucking low carb diets. Who are you people and what magical powers do you possess to make this shit bearable? Sprinkle some of that fairy dust on my hungry ass.

I went to the grocery store today because the roads were finally driveable. It actually stopped snowing at some point last night, the plows were able to do their business, and the base didn't look like so much of a ghost town. I found some snacks that fit under my carb limit so I was really excited. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of the same old snacks.

So, Christmas is in 4 days and I am still not in the Christmas spirit. Living in a hotel room kind of does that I guess. However, I have started thinking about Christmas things that I want to do with my little family in the future and that makes me happy. It's just a little disappointing that Christopher will be deployed for the baby's first Christmas. Well, her first everything really. I should probably stop thinking about it before I start crying.

And dear sweet baby Jesus. Could I cry any more? I cry all the time now. It's like the first trimester revisited. I feel like a fucking baby. I make Christopher look like an asshole at restaurants because I don't know, green beans or something else ridiculous set me off.

Fuck. I'm tired of writing because it is keeping me from smelling the pretzel snacks. Is this what crack fiends feel like?

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So much for cupcakes.

See the above picture? This is further proof that my body hates being pregnant. My face is rebelling with some serious fucking acne and now, I find out that my pancreas has been flipping me the bird for a while. 

Luckily, I don't really have it too bad and I eat relatively healthy anyway so all I have to do is make some adjustments to my diet. Like setting a god damn alarm to eat stupid ass breakfast in the morning and eating at the same times every day, making sure to eat snacks inbetween meals, and poke my poor fingers to death. I also get to count carbs. Fun shit! Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and stay under a carb count for every meal when you're living in a hotel room and don't have a kitchen? There are all of 4 restaurants off post, two of them that serve heavy German food, a Kebab place that claims to have chicken but doesn't, and an Italian joint that doesn't believe in serving food without drowning it in a tub of salt first. I have gotten creative with the snacks I can eat in the hotel room but honestly, it is really hard to stay under the carb count for breakfast and the morning snack when you don't have a kitchen. 

And if Christopher gives me any more "helpful advice" about food, I am going to punch him in the god damn face. "I told you that you should have been eating that," "Remember what you said earlier about how much you could eat," "Why aren't you looking at the pamphlet to see what you can eat?"

OMFG. How about FUCK the pamphlet because unless I can shake the damn thing and food is going to magically fall out, THIS DOES NOT HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO EAT AT 8:00AM when we have jack shit in this hotel room to eat that fits under the stupid carb count and the grocery store is closed!

I'm not even really annoyed with the Gestational Diabetes. I'm annoyed with fucking Captain Carbohydrate and his god damn annoying fucking advice!

I am tempted to shove an entire loaf of bread down his self righteous throat.

When the tables turn...

So, there is a coffee event for the Brigade spouses tomorrow night. Apparently this is a monthly thing. I hate these things. Seriously... what the fuck is the point?! The last thing I want to do is go sit at some coffee with a bunch of wives I don't know. Okay... our husbands work together. So?!?! This means I have to go somewhere with a bunch of women, sip on coffee, fake a smile, and pretend to give a shit about anything they have to say? And this is monthly?!?! WTF! I can't wait to use this baby as an excuse not to go to this kind of shit. And yes, I will use my baby as an excuse for all sorts of things.

Anyway, I've been telling Christopher that I don't want to go for the last two days. And I can tell he wants me to go. So this is how conversation at dinner goes:

Queen of the Universe: Christopher, you know I don't want to go to this thing but if you think I should go because you don't want to look like the guy with an asshole wife, I'll go.

Christopher: I'm not going to tell you that you have to go.

Queen of the Universe: But do you want me to go?

Christopher: *slight pause* Babe, I want you to WANT to go.

Queen of the Universe: *jaw drop*

Christopher: YES! SCORE! FIELD GOAL! TOUCHDOWN! *laugh of victory* I've been waiting for an opportunity to use that on you! How does it feel?! *happy dance*

I mean at this point, all I could do was hang my head and laugh. I've used that fucking line on him countless times and meant it... every time. It just sounds stupid as shit when it's repeated back to you.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaating him.

Sniff Sniff

I think my body is pissed at me. I came down with a cold and have been miserable since Tuesday. Needless to say, I didn't go to my 3 hr yesterday. Or today. I'll be good enough to go tomorrow though.

Christopher's class got cancelled today and they called off work because of all the crazy snow. We got to spend the entire morning cuddled up and passed out. For some reason if Christopher is laying next to me, I can literally sleep forever. It's horrible. I can't tell you how many days we have wasted sleeping in and taking naps. I used to suffer from insomnia pretty bad and would go a day or two without sleeping and had to take Ambien every now and then. I found out that Ambien makes you hallucinate if you try to stay awake after taking it. It's kinda fun actually. Anyway,  the first night Christopher slept over, I was cured. I don't know what it is about him. I seriously think it has to do with the way he smells or something his body radiates that just meshes well with my body chemistry. Sometimes I take big sniffs of his hair, face, or armpits and it makes me yawn. Honestly, just thinking about it is making me tired. And yes, I sniff his armpits. They smell delicious. 

I remember making out with him in the beginning of our relationship and smiling afterwards. He asked me what I was smiling about and I told him he'd think I was weird but that I loved kissing him because his face smelled good. I would literally try to smell his face while making out with him. I still do it. And now, he sniffs my face too. But he tells me my face smells like pencil shavings. WTF right? But hey, if he's into that, I'll rub my face in pencil shavings all day. 

I'm really crossing my fingers that tomorrow is another snow day for him so he can sit with me and entertain me during my 3 hr. And by entertain, I mean sit there and sleep while I stare at him, sniff his face, and play with his hair. I don't think I'll be that lucky though.

From the stairwell next to our hotel room.

It's actually prettier than this, I'm just too lazy to go out in the snow.

The dogs are buried in snow when they go potty. All you can see is Philly's head. hehe.

I turn around to go back into the hotel room and this is what I see.

I be tired.

Holy crap. I feel like a loser. A really out of shape loser. Is it possible to feel tired and winded just from standing up for too long? Because apparently, it's possible for me. I walk a lot slower now. Any exertion of energy just seems like too much to even consider. I refused to get out of bed until 10AM this morning. I honestly think I could have just laid there all day. Is it January yet?

It's snowing a bunch today and it looks really pretty outside. Reminds me of Narnia. Ugh, I just got sad because I don't have a real Aslan to cuddle with. How fucking awesome would that be? Anyway, it's really pretty and I should take a picture so I can share the prettiness but... I'm that lazy. We're supposed to go to a Christmas Market in Trier this weekend so I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures then to make up for it.

I'm not in the Christmas spirit. Mostly because we'll more than likely be spending Christmas in our hotel room. I'm thinking of drawing a Christmas tree and taping it to the wall. Festive, no? I don't want to travel too far that late into my pregnancy because with my luck, I'd be a few hours out of town and the baby would decide to make her appearance. I'm really crossing my fingers that that doesn't happen because none of our baby furniture, and this includes the carseat, has even made it off the boat yet. It's just floating out there on the ocean somewhere. So is our car. I wish I could make them magically appear. I bet Aslan could make it happen.

I finally ordered my diaper bag last night. I hope it gets here before the baby. I've started to procrastinate a lot. I just started thinking about my hospital bag. Who knows when I'll actually make an effort to get it ready.

Skip Hop Versa Diaper Bag

Pretty snazzy right? I'd like to think that I could still want to dress like that mom in the picture after the baby. We'll see what really happens. At least my diaper bag will be somewhat stylish. I'm sure it'll look great with what I'll actually look like:

This is the diaper bag that Christopher got... like two months ago.

Diaper Dude Black Diaper Bag with Dragon

Funny story. There's this chick that was totally in love with him - supposedly my friend. Anyway, she spent $60 bucks on this diaper bag for him from our registry and $10 bucks on the baby. Hey, I'm not gonna complain about anything anyone buys because that's less shit I have to buy but I just found it hilarious that she spent so much on the one thing on the registry that was for him. We honestly just threw it up there not thinking that anyone would buy it. So yes, daddy has a diaper bag already and mommy just had to buy one. lol. I wish I had a stalker dammit.

Sometimes, I think violence IS the answer.

I'm having a rough 24 hours. Mostly, it's PB pissing me off to no end. This post is probably going to make him sound like a total asshole but I have to keep reminding myself that he's not. He's just incredibly fucking stupid sometimes.

So, we're in Germany. I get it. He's excited, he loves beer, he hasn't been able to do much "fun" stuff since I've been pregnant. But guess what asshole? Neither have I! And I promise you, I'm having a more miserable time than you could on your worst very un-pregnant day. We've had issues in the past couple of months while he was at school with him asking me to go to BW3's with him so he could watch football and drink beer. He didn't want to be an asshole and leave me at home when I was home alone ALL the time anyway while he was gone 12 hours a day for school. I also didn't want to be an asshole so I would always go knowing that it meant my back was going to be killing me and I'd be ignored for a few hours and end up being his designated driver. I finally got pissed and put an end to it when he seriously suggested that we go out to the club. Seriously??? At 7 months pregnant, you think THIS is what I should be doing? And you think that this is what YOU should be doing? He tried to justify it with the fact that you couldn't smoke inside. I mean completely not the fucking point!

We got into an argument that night and he basically said he didn't see the big deal with him going out to bars and clubs occasionally because he enjoyed doing so and I hated going to bars and clubs so he didn't see how it was unfair that I couldn't go because I didn't like going anyway. Rehashing that just makes me want to punch him in the face.

Anyway, we go out to dinner last night with someone from his unit. We were at the restaurant until 11pm and he'd had 4 beers with dinner. I'm thinking okay, time to go home now! Right? Apparently not! He puts me on the spot in front of his friend, which he knows I HATE because I don't want to be the fucking asshole who says, "No." I mean I just met his friend and I don't want to come off as this total fucking asshole but I mean seriously... WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE! Anyway, he asks "Can we stop by a bar?" And all eyes are on me. If I could have punched him in the face, I would have. So I say, "We have to be up pretty early." And instead of taking the fucking hint, he goes "We won't stay out too much later." WTF, it's 11pm!

We go to bar number 1. REEKS of smoke. I told him I could NOT sit in there. Instead of being smart and realizing that EVERY bar we go to in Germany is going to reek of smoke, he just tries to find another. Fails. Then suggests the hotel bar up the street. I don't know why he thought it wasn't smoky because as soon as I walked in, I could smell it. It wasn't as bad as the other bars so I picked a seat all the way in the corner away from everyone. I didn't even take my jacket off because I was so fucking embarrassed to be sitting in a god damn bar at 11pm, almost 8 months pregnant. I was fuming. But seeing as this base has the highest STD and sexual assault rates of all the bases in Europe, I'm not exactly going to go storming off by myself trying to make it back to our hotel room. We actually got warned by another soldier right after dinner to always watch your drink because apparently roofies are like fucking skittles here. Fucking sweet. SO happy to be stationed here.

Anyway, I'm stuck there for almost an hour before I can't fucking take it anymore and I make him leave. We get back to the hotel and I'm trying really hard not to lose it but I can't help it. He seriously has the balls to ask me why I didn't give him a hint. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! LOOK AT MY BELLY! THERE IS A FUCKING HINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never mind the fact that we've had this discussion at least 3-4 times before! He tries to justify why he didn't think the bar was that smoky and I keep trying to tell him that that's NOT the fucking point.

I end up bawling my eyes out because I'm so sad that he's such a selfish asshole who in my opinion will never fucking grow out of wanting to dress nice, go out, and party it up. And here I am in Germany... married, and pregnant with his baby, and having left my well paying job and having no idea if I'll be able to find work out here. I just resented him so much in that moment. And yeah, some of it is probably hormonal, some of it is probably the move and the uncertainty of not knowing when we'll find a house, not having our car here yet, knowing he's going to deploy in a few months, and all that shit. But a lot of it is because he seriously was a selfish asshole last night.

So today I was kind of over it and trying not to think about it or argue about it. I'm on my computer and realize there are pop-ups. Porn pop-ups that only come up when you've visited a porn site. And I know this because I watch porn. So I turn around and ask him if he was watching porn and at first he looks surprised then he admits it. Saying it in a way that implies that he just "stumbled" upon porn. Sorry fucktard, you don't just stumble across porn. Normally, I don't give a shit about porn. But.... I was laying in bed crying and pissed off at you because you're an asshole and you just sit in the same room as me and surf porn sites? I mean what the FUCK is wrong with you?!?!

Never mind the fact that right now, I'm completely HATING my body and my stupid pimply face and now I know that while I'm angry at you, you're sitting there looking at pictures of women with perfect bodies.

So now, I'm just sitting here miserable and fighting the urge to cry every 5 minutes. I feel incredibly stuck. I don't know anyone here. I can't escape him even when I'm angry. And I'm stuck in a small hotel room with the only person I know here and also the one person I don't even want to look at right now. I don't deal well with feeling trapped.

And the stupidest part? I feel GUILTY writing this stupid post bashing him and his stupid idiotic moment because I know he's not typically an asshole. I just really want to punch him in his stupid face.

Guten Tag!

So, we all made it to Germany in one piece. There were absolutely no issues getting the dogs into the country and we got bulkhead seats. Success!

I'm trying to be positive so I'm not going to go into detail on what I really think about this base. I think it can be pretty much summed up by: Yikes! I'm hoping that it gets better... or that the baby distracts me so completely that these next three years speed by. Who knows, maybe I'll end up actually loving it here? See, being positive.

So, went to lunch with PB and his coworkers. Got put on the spot by someone who asked me if I wanted to attend a monthly spouses' coffee that is apparently happening tonight. I saw PB smiling out of the corner of my eye as I squirmed through not directly answering the question and still pretending to be interested. I asked two friends and they said it would be best if I went. Can I just say that I absolutely HATE the politics of being a military wife? I don't know what it is about men that think that women just love to get together all the time. Well... I guess most of them do. I don't. I hate them assuming that I do. I can't stand the idea of sitting around with a bunch of women simply because our husbands work together. Seriously, it's like forced friendships. No one likes to be told who to hang out with.

I've grown up with men as best friends. I've known them since I was 14 and PB gets along fantastically with all three of them because they're like brothers. They require no WORK. I have very few female friends because very few women I meet don't need coddling. The few that I have, are amazing! I have a really awful sense of humor. Awful meaning I find most offensive things extremely funny. My mind is constantly in the gutter, I curse like a sailor, and I don't like to sugarcoat much. So what happens when I'm forced into these situations unexpectedly? I just don't talk much. I figure, the less I talk, the less offensive I can be. Right? But, I grew up in a military environment because of my dad and I married into it so I can fake social niceties with the best of them, I just hate hate hate doing it.

I know if I don't go to this thing, it won't be good. It's PB's first day meeting his coworkers and it's also his first day in his new unit as an officer. I don't want to make him look like an asshole. FML.

Seriously, if I go to this thing, I won't even be able to drink coffee. Undoubtedly there will be someone there who is a preggo police and will be horrified that I'm drinking coffee while preggo. Like caffeine is the equivalent to fucking plutonium. Seriously... I've never wanted to suffer diarrhea more than I do right now. At least I'd have a valid fucking excuse as to why I couldn't make it. I am going to use this baby to get out of so much spouse crap it's not even funny. Does that make me a bad mommy? lol

I feel like a marshmallow

Why do I feel like I have pillows where my arms used to be? Seriously, whose arms are these?!

I'm having a poor me day. My poor body... Before you get all preachy on me and tell me how horrible I am for being vain and caring about my body while I'm creating the miracle of life, let me just say... bite me. I miss my nice flat tummy and I'm scared that I will never get it back. So far, I haven't gotten any stretch marks. If I could knock on wood 24/7 to prevent them, I would. I'm scared I'll have a butt where my stomach used to be. I showed postpartum pics to PB and he made it a point to look very unaffected by them. I know what he was thinking though and I want to cry. I am now more determined than ever to kill myself in the gym after this baby makes her grand entrance.

But being the idiot that I am, instead of eating a healthy snack, I just ate a gourmet cupcake. I fucking suck. Seriously, I want to punch myself in the face.

It's a celebration bitches!

I've rejoined civilization! We are out of Sierra Vista, AZ and now we're hanging out at my parents in Austin, TX. Oh the pretty stores! The nice normal people! And having a variety of restaurants to choose from? GLORIOUS! After our three months in Sierra Vista, I've realized that I can NEVER live in a small town. I would die. I'm pretty sure I was about 3 days away from going absolutely bat shit crazy. Well really, I don't have a choice in this matter for the next 7 or so years. The Army tells us where to live so if there's someone's ass I can kiss, I wish they'd point me in the right direction. We fly out to Germany on Monday. Sadly, we're going to a small town in Germany but I'm trying to make myself feel better because hey, it's Germany!

My back is killing me. I feel like an old person. I seriously am beginning to believe that my pimples are like little settlers fighting for valuable real estate on my face. It's getting really hard to move around and I think I'm only a couple of weeks from needing a fucking forklift to help me get off the couch.

It's me and PB's one year wedding anniversary. We had a super romantic day of driving down to Fort Hood with my parents, eating Jack in the Box breakfast sandwiches (and yes, I also had a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and curly fries in addition to my breakfast combo... bite me), and following my mom around the PX and Commissary and trying to hurry her along. When we got home, I got a surprise delivery of beautiful red roses and then PB and I went to go eat Pho for dinner. YUM. It's what we ate on our first date. I know, how cute! Now our friend Parker is driving up from San Antonio to stay the night at my parent's house for the next two nights before we go to Germany. PB is an ass. He wants to golf tomorrow morning so now his friend is sleeping over tonight. Annnnnnnd, PB has been drinking with my dad. If he gets Whiskey Dick on our anniversary, I'm going to be pissed.

I'm getting laid tonight. Seriously though, as if having sex in my parents house wasn't awkward enough (did I mention my 19 year old sister also lives at home), now we're adding a friend to the household. It's not like I can be like "Hey Assholes! I need to get me some so go to bed!"

Oh, and I got my Kindle in the mail yesterday. I get really bored and buy things to make myself feel amused for a while. I'm already bored with it =\ Mostly because I still have real books to read and I just really love buying and collecting books. I like the way they feel in my hands and the way they smell and I like seeing them on the bookshelf. I guess the Kindle makes sense though in cutting down the poundage for when we have to pack up and move. So far, the only thing I've downloaded is The Picture of Dorian Gray to read again. Seriously, it was free! What's not to love about that?

I'm late on reading this but I just started Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol.

Pho and Salted Pepper Chicken. YUM!

For serious?

So, here are pictures from the 27 week ultrasound taken on Saturday. Be proud, it didn't take me 2 months to post them!

Okay, now take a minute to digest these pictures. It is a 27 week old baby... in a blurry orange 3D ultrasound. Tell me why my MIL thinks the baby looks EXACTLY like Poppa Bean? I understand being proud that your child is procreating but seriously... it's an unborn baby. She doesn't look like anyone at this point. Not according to MIL. The baby is a spitting image of Poppa Bean. Also, the baby has her nose. Uh... okay. And the baby MIGHT have my eyes. And I'm thinking... is this a joke? Because I can't see the baby's eyes at all. Unless... that's the point because I'm half Asian. ha ha!

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I don't really know why SHE bothers me so much. She's just too overexcited. I wish I could slip her a valium or something. Actually, I wish I could have a valium.

Anyway, to be spiteful, I have been crossing my fingers that our daughter is the spitting image of me. Actually, I don't know why it matters. MIL will claim the kid looks just like PB anyway. Have I mentioned how happy I am that we are going to be living on another continent for the next three years?

WHY AM I SO EVIL?!?!

------- EDIT ---------

In all that craziness, I forgot to say... HOW CUTE IS MY DAUGHTER?! lol.

Yeah, I'm too lazy to post pictures.

So I realized that I'm pretty bad at this blog thing. I'm also really bad posting pictures.... and taking them. I must have been in la-la-land when I started this blog and I thought I'd be all Super Mom and be sensitive and loving and all that jazz. Yeah, I can't fight my personality. Bean will learn sooner or later that I am an absolute asshole with a lot of neurotic tendencies. The baby has won the lottery!

So, we go to have our anatomy scan yesterday. Epic fail. The on post hospital refers us off post because they don't have OB/GYN capabilities. The OB/GYN doesn't have ultrasound equipment soooooo, back on post I go. The tech remained pretty silent throughout the whole ordeal. Not very comforting when you're sitting there wondering if your baby is deformed or is missing a vital organ. PB tried to make conversation and ask questions but the tech was a total twat. She also would not confirm gender. So now we have an appointment in a town an hour and a half away just to confirm that the baby didn't grow a penis in the last 4 weeks. I'm a little upset that we have to pay $155 to confirm but I also really like to look at the baby because hellooooo, I'm growing an alien and that's pretty freakin cool to look at.

I've been a little moody lately. I deleted all of my friends on facebook. Everyone was pissing me off. I'm slowly adding people back on though. And PB irritated me today at lunch. He said Arby's sounds good. I've told him multiple times that I don't like Arby's. He starts in on me asking, "Have you even tried their chicken sandwiches?" to which of course I replied, "No, and I don't want to." And he tries asking me again. I mean WTF! I don't like Arby's! I don't know why I am so against Arby's but just leave me the fuck alone about god damn Arby's!!! FUCK ARBY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It made me cry and we ended up getting Wendy's drive through and eating at home and not speaking to each other.

Seriously though... fuck Arby's.

Stressed Out

I keep worrying about how my stress levels are going to affect this baby in the long run. My family has always been dysfunctional. My mom is Korean and the cultural differences and expectations are stressful enough but my mom NEEDS to be on antidepressants and refuses to take medication and to top it all off, she's going through menopause. It is a battle every day to not want to either punch her or myself in the face. My dad dotes on my little sister (she's 19) and has always been harder on me... which is fine. But living in their house again, it's just irritating to see the difference in treatment. His way of dealing with my mom is to completely shut everyone out which doesn't help my loneliness any. My sister leaves the house all the time to hang out with her douchelord of a boyfriend leaving me alone with my parents who are pissed off that she's still dating captain ass-hat. The mood is usually tense.

And I can't get through one day without my dad complaining about my dogs... my dogs that he knew were coming, that do nothing but nap and play quietly and who I usually keep with me in the room with the door closed because I don't want them bothering anyone. While my sister's dog tries to chew on furniture, digs holes all over the backyard, and refuses to leave my dogs alone.

Between the three of them, I am constantly feeling like crap. Not only am I missing Poppa Bean as this is the longest we have been apart and I can only talk to him two times a week for 30 minutes, I am constantly in the middle of my family's BS and I feel so stuck with no escape. After a huge fight this morning with my parents, I've been having slight cramps. I think everything is okay, I just read that stress is not good for the baby and now I'm worried that this past month is going to have lasting effects.

I get to pick Poppa Bean up from school next week and I can't wait. I just feel like I never want to come back here again. I had planned on staying with my parents after Poppa Bean deploys for a year when the baby is 2 months old, but I just don't think it's a good idea anymore. It sucks but I'd rather be alone in Germany with a new baby and my dogs, than here dealing with my family.

12 Weeks Today

Bean is 12 weeks today. We had an appointment on Thursday to do some testing that the hospital in Korea didn't do. I got to hear the heartbeat and Bean was ticking away at 163 bpm. It was nice to hear especially since I worry so much. I wish that Poppa Bean could have been there to hear it. I have an ultrasound in two weeks and they're going to prick my finger and test the blood to check for Downs Syndrome risks. I know that there are a lot of false positives but really, I just wanted to get the ultrasound and see the baby. Poppa Bean won't be there for that either and it sucks. If I can find out the gender at 14 weeks, I think I'll still wait. Poppa Bean will be back by my 16 week appointment and I think I am going to pay an ultrasound clinic that does 3D ultrasounds at 16 weeks to do a gender determination while Poppa Bean is there. It's going to be really hard not to want to ask what the sex is at my ultrasound though. It might still be too early to tell but it would be fun if they could see it.

I'm still not showing yet but I feel like my fat is being poked out more on my tummy. I mean I know I'm still skinny but I have a tiny bit of pudge on my tummy and it just looks bigger lately. Probably because I'm so bloated. The nausea is gone. I haven't thrown up in about a week and two days. The bloating is not as bad as it used to be anymore. I have started to get dizzy whenever I stand up though. The acne is starting to go away too.

I just really miss Poppa Bean. It's been really tough being without him this week. Time goes by so slowly and I feel like my heart is torn in two. I know it's just a month but it's just a glimpse into what his first deployment will be like. It just makes me want to break down and cry. I really wish we had met before he decided to go indefinite in the military. I know it's selfish but I just don't want to deal with another 12 years of the Army telling him to leave his family for a year. It's just not fair... cry me a river right? It's just a bad day...

Happy Father's Day!

We are officially back in the states and have been hanging out at my parents'. Today is the first day that I actually feel "normal." Morning sickness decided to hit with a vengeance on Wednesday. I'm telling you, it's always Wednesday! I was sick all day. The only meal I was able to keep down was the small breakfast I had in the morning. I threw up everything else and felt miserable all day long. Thursday was just a tiny bit better but not much. Friday a slight progression and yesterday, I got nauseous but didn't vomit. Today, fantisco! For now anyway. The only intense craving I had this week was for chocolate milk. When I finally got it, it was GLORIOUS. I have a gallon in the fridge right now.

I'm 8 weeks 1 day now. I love adding each day to my little ticker. The more time passes, the more I know this little Bean is going to stick around. Still not showing, the bloating is still there but honestly, it's not as bad as it was during weeks 4-7. My boobs started to get sore throughout the day and not just at night a few days ago. I think they've gotten bigger but it's not extremely noticeable. I keep wondering when I'm going to get monster jugs. I want those fun bags to show up! hahaha.

We got my dad a grill for Father's Day. It's a pretty nice grill and a perfect size for his backyard. Poppa Bean is going to help assemble the thing in a little bit so we can make steaks for dinner tonight. The dogs and Bean got Poppa Bean cards and two DVD's for Father's Day. Baby Mama and Knocked Up. lol

I'm travelling again on Tuesday to fly to visit Poppa Bean's family. We're having a small ceremony for his family since we never had a ceremony when we just did a paperwork marriage through the Embassy. It should definitely be interesting. I'm not really a big fan of weddings and all the frilly annoying things that come with them. lol. It's more for the parents though so I'll suck it up! Literally. I feel like I can't breathe in my dress. lol.

I hope all the wonderful dad's out there have a great Father's Day! I know Poppa Bean is enjoying his and we're both excited for what Father's Day is going to be like next year! :)