Sometimes, I think violence IS the answer.

I'm having a rough 24 hours. Mostly, it's PB pissing me off to no end. This post is probably going to make him sound like a total asshole but I have to keep reminding myself that he's not. He's just incredibly fucking stupid sometimes.

So, we're in Germany. I get it. He's excited, he loves beer, he hasn't been able to do much "fun" stuff since I've been pregnant. But guess what asshole? Neither have I! And I promise you, I'm having a more miserable time than you could on your worst very un-pregnant day. We've had issues in the past couple of months while he was at school with him asking me to go to BW3's with him so he could watch football and drink beer. He didn't want to be an asshole and leave me at home when I was home alone ALL the time anyway while he was gone 12 hours a day for school. I also didn't want to be an asshole so I would always go knowing that it meant my back was going to be killing me and I'd be ignored for a few hours and end up being his designated driver. I finally got pissed and put an end to it when he seriously suggested that we go out to the club. Seriously??? At 7 months pregnant, you think THIS is what I should be doing? And you think that this is what YOU should be doing? He tried to justify it with the fact that you couldn't smoke inside. I mean completely not the fucking point!

We got into an argument that night and he basically said he didn't see the big deal with him going out to bars and clubs occasionally because he enjoyed doing so and I hated going to bars and clubs so he didn't see how it was unfair that I couldn't go because I didn't like going anyway. Rehashing that just makes me want to punch him in the face.

Anyway, we go out to dinner last night with someone from his unit. We were at the restaurant until 11pm and he'd had 4 beers with dinner. I'm thinking okay, time to go home now! Right? Apparently not! He puts me on the spot in front of his friend, which he knows I HATE because I don't want to be the fucking asshole who says, "No." I mean I just met his friend and I don't want to come off as this total fucking asshole but I mean seriously... WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE! Anyway, he asks "Can we stop by a bar?" And all eyes are on me. If I could have punched him in the face, I would have. So I say, "We have to be up pretty early." And instead of taking the fucking hint, he goes "We won't stay out too much later." WTF, it's 11pm!

We go to bar number 1. REEKS of smoke. I told him I could NOT sit in there. Instead of being smart and realizing that EVERY bar we go to in Germany is going to reek of smoke, he just tries to find another. Fails. Then suggests the hotel bar up the street. I don't know why he thought it wasn't smoky because as soon as I walked in, I could smell it. It wasn't as bad as the other bars so I picked a seat all the way in the corner away from everyone. I didn't even take my jacket off because I was so fucking embarrassed to be sitting in a god damn bar at 11pm, almost 8 months pregnant. I was fuming. But seeing as this base has the highest STD and sexual assault rates of all the bases in Europe, I'm not exactly going to go storming off by myself trying to make it back to our hotel room. We actually got warned by another soldier right after dinner to always watch your drink because apparently roofies are like fucking skittles here. Fucking sweet. SO happy to be stationed here.

Anyway, I'm stuck there for almost an hour before I can't fucking take it anymore and I make him leave. We get back to the hotel and I'm trying really hard not to lose it but I can't help it. He seriously has the balls to ask me why I didn't give him a hint. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! LOOK AT MY BELLY! THERE IS A FUCKING HINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never mind the fact that we've had this discussion at least 3-4 times before! He tries to justify why he didn't think the bar was that smoky and I keep trying to tell him that that's NOT the fucking point.

I end up bawling my eyes out because I'm so sad that he's such a selfish asshole who in my opinion will never fucking grow out of wanting to dress nice, go out, and party it up. And here I am in Germany... married, and pregnant with his baby, and having left my well paying job and having no idea if I'll be able to find work out here. I just resented him so much in that moment. And yeah, some of it is probably hormonal, some of it is probably the move and the uncertainty of not knowing when we'll find a house, not having our car here yet, knowing he's going to deploy in a few months, and all that shit. But a lot of it is because he seriously was a selfish asshole last night.

So today I was kind of over it and trying not to think about it or argue about it. I'm on my computer and realize there are pop-ups. Porn pop-ups that only come up when you've visited a porn site. And I know this because I watch porn. So I turn around and ask him if he was watching porn and at first he looks surprised then he admits it. Saying it in a way that implies that he just "stumbled" upon porn. Sorry fucktard, you don't just stumble across porn. Normally, I don't give a shit about porn. But.... I was laying in bed crying and pissed off at you because you're an asshole and you just sit in the same room as me and surf porn sites? I mean what the FUCK is wrong with you?!?!

Never mind the fact that right now, I'm completely HATING my body and my stupid pimply face and now I know that while I'm angry at you, you're sitting there looking at pictures of women with perfect bodies.

So now, I'm just sitting here miserable and fighting the urge to cry every 5 minutes. I feel incredibly stuck. I don't know anyone here. I can't escape him even when I'm angry. And I'm stuck in a small hotel room with the only person I know here and also the one person I don't even want to look at right now. I don't deal well with feeling trapped.

And the stupidest part? I feel GUILTY writing this stupid post bashing him and his stupid idiotic moment because I know he's not typically an asshole. I just really want to punch him in his stupid face.

Stressed Out

I keep worrying about how my stress levels are going to affect this baby in the long run. My family has always been dysfunctional. My mom is Korean and the cultural differences and expectations are stressful enough but my mom NEEDS to be on antidepressants and refuses to take medication and to top it all off, she's going through menopause. It is a battle every day to not want to either punch her or myself in the face. My dad dotes on my little sister (she's 19) and has always been harder on me... which is fine. But living in their house again, it's just irritating to see the difference in treatment. His way of dealing with my mom is to completely shut everyone out which doesn't help my loneliness any. My sister leaves the house all the time to hang out with her douchelord of a boyfriend leaving me alone with my parents who are pissed off that she's still dating captain ass-hat. The mood is usually tense.

And I can't get through one day without my dad complaining about my dogs... my dogs that he knew were coming, that do nothing but nap and play quietly and who I usually keep with me in the room with the door closed because I don't want them bothering anyone. While my sister's dog tries to chew on furniture, digs holes all over the backyard, and refuses to leave my dogs alone.

Between the three of them, I am constantly feeling like crap. Not only am I missing Poppa Bean as this is the longest we have been apart and I can only talk to him two times a week for 30 minutes, I am constantly in the middle of my family's BS and I feel so stuck with no escape. After a huge fight this morning with my parents, I've been having slight cramps. I think everything is okay, I just read that stress is not good for the baby and now I'm worried that this past month is going to have lasting effects.

I get to pick Poppa Bean up from school next week and I can't wait. I just feel like I never want to come back here again. I had planned on staying with my parents after Poppa Bean deploys for a year when the baby is 2 months old, but I just don't think it's a good idea anymore. It sucks but I'd rather be alone in Germany with a new baby and my dogs, than here dealing with my family.