Jail is in my future.

When I adopted my dogs, I thought they were the greatest things in the world. They didn't annoy me. When my mom would tell me to get rid of them or my dad would say they were idiots, I'd defend them and get angry. Now? I wish someone would knock on my door and offer to take them far far away.

I'm pretty sure it's the pregnancy. I absolutely can't stand them. The sight of their faces makes me insanely angry. Christopher is scared for them... and he should be. With my pregnancy hormones, I'm about ready to murder them and go to jail.

I'm pretty sure that my dogs are the absolute stupidest dogs on the face of this fucking planet. This is a list of their vices:

1. They bark like crazy when people are at the door.
2. They bark like crazy when they hear a doorbell ring on the television.
3. They bark like crazy when the telephone rings.
4. They bark like crazy when people walk by the house.
5. If they don't bark like crazy when people walk by the house, they whine an insane amount, huff, and run around from room to room freaking out.
6. They shed... a LOT.
7. Philly pisses on his leg at least once a week. How fucking stupid do you have to be that you piss on your fucking leg at least once a week. Pissing is something you do 3 times a god damn day, FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.
8. Philly screams, and I mean SCREAMS like a little girl who is being murdered when he sees another dog while being walked.
9. Vega attacks Philly and makes him yelp during his screaming fit when she sees another dog while being walked.
10. They pull me around like they're pulling a sled in the fucking Iditarod EVERY time I walk them. EVERY time. I don't fucking understand it. They're walked 3 times a day, it's not like they're trapped in a cage all day and finally tasting freedom for the first time.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I cannot deal with this shit when I bring home a newborn baby. And I REALLY cannot deal with this shit for a year on my own while Christopher is deployed.

So, I did something I never thought I would do. I ordered no-bark shock collars.

Christopher wouldn't let me order one with a remote control because he's scared that at this point, I won't be able to control myself. But, I think I am going to order the ones with the remote control before Christopher deploys. I will NOT have them pulling me during walks when I've got the baby with me.

Every time I hear them go nuts barking, I know I made the right decision ordering those damn bark collars. I cannot wait for them to get here. Seriously... can't fucking wait.

I also bought a super tall baby gate that blocks them in the foyer.

Our foyer is a pretty damn good size and they're lucky that that's where they'll get to spend their time at night when we sleep and when we leave the house. Honestly, I want to keep them trapped in the foyer 24 hours a day but that's probably being mean.

Anyway, if you ever consider getting a dog. Don't. Seriously. I completely understand why my mom was so against having pets when I was growing up. I hate admitting when she's right but damn, she was right.

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